I sounded happy in the entry from yesterday, right? Yeah. Chuffed with shopping purchases and looking forward to flashing my new ginger hair to a crowd of philosophy students (although I failed to mention that...). But yes, I was calm and happy and still feeling amazing from the weekend.
But, although I tried to remain upbeat about spending time with my father, something always gets me. My father is quite toxic for me but I always kid myself that he's changed and perhaps he isn't as bad as I make him out to be in my head. Yes, perhaps my father is just an old romantic and not a man who makes a mess and leaves everyone else to pick up the pieces. Maybe he's not as disinterested in me as I thought he was and maybe- just maybe- he does totally understand what I go through with Borderline Personality Disorder.
I need to stop pretending things can be stars and glitter with my father. I don't mind him but I always come away from seeing him feeling so low for no real reason and then the mood carries on into my life for about a week. My father made a few comments that upset me yesterday. But the thing is, he says things so lightly as if they're total fact when, actually, they're the most offensive things you've ever heard.
And so I felt fragile today. My hair looked limp. My outfit wasn't a bad choice but I just wasn't smiley and upbeat and looking like someone very excited about hearing back from any of her selected University choices.
I had a cry to MYB last night. I'm not sure he could understand me as one minute I was crying about deadlines and stress, the next I was going on about having a cold and at some point I cried my eyes out at how rubbish my father makes me feel. After a long day, I'm not sure a 19 year old bird crying "And now my Chanel mascara is aaaaaaaallllllll down my face!" was exactly what he wanted but he did correctly remind me that it's always sensible to take my make-up off before bedtime. Did MYB make me feel better? A little but I'm starting to think that the only way to feel better regarding my father is to slowly distance myself from him until I feel healthy enough to take on his issues and criticisms.
Onwards and upwards, eh? Slip on this outfit and take a cab to your bloke's house for ice-cream, cuddles and a tiny- mascara free- cry on his shoulder. You know it makes sense! The outfit is simple but cosy and the Chloé bag is big enough to pack a pair of pajama bottoms in case you fall asleep on your bloke's sofa and decide to stay the night. This mohair McQ looks so cosy and would be cute paired with Ugg boots on lazy weekend days. But today I've added a pair of KG tan shoe-boots to help you stand tall and walk confidently no matter how teary you feel. Finish with a simple pink beret and pretty Chanel necklace. Now, cry and moan all you like but know you'll be doing it whilst looking amazing!
Feeling low. by hollieanne